Repression of Authenticity

Authenticity sucks! So I thought. In my past relationships, attachment > authenticity. Clearly, I craved love and affection. I feared being alone, being worthless and just the feeling of rejection. I rather strive to be the person who is loved and admired than this idiosyncratic, somewhat abrasive, sometimes eccentric version of me. Being myself was hardly ever perceived as lovable or acceptable. (I was also an asshole, which didn't help).

This quote really fails to explores the tension between authenticity and attachment in relationships. We are often taught from a young age that to be messy, ugly, needy, or stupid is not lovable. Instead, we learn that our worth is dictated by our behavior and that being too vulnerable or weird can drive away romantic prospects.

As a result, our relationships become cyclical. We compromise in the beginning, prioritizing attachment over authenticity, and repressing the emotions that feel closest to us. But this only lasts for a short while. Sooner or later, ugly truths violently crash through our frozen surface of conformity, and we risk a breakup or the severing of ties with our family members.

It almost feels as if this cycle is inevitable and seems we are limited resolving the tension between authenticity and detachment. But it starts with the need to recognize that most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not. This becomes increasingly evident when we look at medical research, which suggests that those with a type C personality, overly nice people who compulsively place others' expectations and needs ahead of their own, are more likely to end up with chronic illnesses.

And that these highly toxic repressive personality traits include a compulsive concern for others, a rigid identification with responsibility and duty, a repression of healthy self-protective aggression, and the consistent acting out of two main beliefs:

"I am responsible for how other people feel"

"I must never disappoint anyone."

While none of these traits are inherently bad, but it is the compulsive nature of such behaviors that denotes a health risk.

Ultimately, we need to prioritize our own authenticity over attachment in relationships. We need to learn to set boundaries, express our emotions, and connect with ourselves. If our environment cannot support our gut feelings and our emotions, then we will unwittingly and unconsciously suppress them for the sake of staying connected to the nurturing environment without which we cannot survive. For the average child, the dilemma plays out as such:  

The child learns to prioritize attachment over authenticity, but as we grow up, this becomes an overly agreeable exoskeleton that surpasses any need for setting boundaries.

I don't know, but I think we need to break the cycle of prioritizing attachment over authenticity. We need to learn to express our emotions, set boundaries, and connect with ourselves in order to build healthy relationships. By prioritizing our own authenticity, we can live happier, healthier lives and build stronger connections with the people around us.